You get a little worried when it's all going lovely

I’ve seen Rinpoche get mad. Real mad. And even then I’ve only had a glimpse.

The Buddhas of course, never get mad just for the sake of getting mad, or because they’ve got a big head and want to push their power around. The Buddhas never show their anger until they really need to show their anger.... or until we push our limits and we get what we deserve.

A glimpse of the ins-and-outs of the ladrang have shown me a little bit of the realities of vajra anger – that it is fuelled entirely by compassion and by the Lama’s wish to push us to the next level, to get over ourselves and our hangs up already! Vajra anger of the Lama doesn’t ever stew, grow or thrive in its self-satisfaction. It’s used purely as a method and there is none of that holding-on that we thrive on in our own silly tempers.

I was round at the ladrang one day upon Rinpoche’s invitation. As I hung around the dining room when I first got in, I could hear Rinpoche yelling away. I thought, “uh oh, someone’s getting it,” and thought I’d stay very still like a mouse until the storm blew over.

Later, I got invited up to the gym room, where Rinpoche was doing his daily walking exercises... and screaming away at one of his assistants.

I sat very quietly in the corner and tried to be invisible, feeling not just slightly worried for what was going on but also embarrassed for the screamee.

The whole thing felt very bizarre of course, like you’re hanging out with Yamantaka as he does his daily treadmill exercise. Today, Yamantaka was telling the screamee about the ugliness his anger, how it would consume him and drive him insane if he didn’t overcome it. Amidst all of what seemed like harshness were big truths and little truths to strike at the heart of the screamee, and the enlightened solution for overcoming these angry, self-created obstacles. Vajra anger had manifested to counter samsaric anger.

It went on for what seemed like a very long time. Finally, Rinpoche stopped, turned to me and said, “Hey Paris! Isn’t this fun! I thought I’d invite you along so you can see what we do in the ladrang!” The anger had gone *poof* It wasn’t any sort of sarcastic act, or pretence. Rinpoche was back to normal.

The other ladrang staff, also sitting around the treadmill, then proceeded to hold a meeting with Rinpoche to discuss ladrang affairs. The screamee was sitting on the other side of the room very quietly, looking not very happy. Rinpoche however, had finished with the screaming, there was no need to hold any more of that anger, and so all had resumed as before.

The teachings explain that the Lama will not resort to wrathful means unless the initial peaceful means he uses to clear our negative habits have not worked yet. And so far, I’ve only been the recipient of peaceful means. I’ve never been screamed at, not even mildly. (A few pointed, though gentle remarks are enough to make me freak out though). In all the years that I’ve known Rinpoche, it’s always been fun and games. I am showered with compliments and praises, and even when I am throwing enormous big tantrums in front of him, pursing my lips and thinking horrible thoughts about how I’d like to just go home so please stop talking, Rinpoche! he comes over to give me a big hug and tell me everything will be okay. (Then everything does get okay, and I get over myself!)

I wonder if perhaps that’s because he knows that that would be the best way for me; that a screaming match wouldn’t work for me. Perhaps it is through all the fun, games and praises that I am most inspired to do more Dharma work and to do it better, as has probably been in the case all these years.

There’s still a little part of me that, in spite of the fear of being yelled down, wishes for some of that vajra anger and for the Lama to tell me straight out just what the hell is wrong with me. It’ll hurt like a bitch, for sure - nobody wants to hear what they’re doing wrong, or how they’re fucking up - but I think I’d rather know so I could fix it, than cruise through every day repeating the same old dumb crap.

But the Lama won’t necessarily give you what you expect. And I suppose that while I’m expecting him to go all Yamantaka on me and my neurosis, he won’t.

Still, I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan one day, when I least expect it. I’m slightly worried that he’s already telling me what the hell is wrong with me, through his jokes, or hints, or subtle comments during conversation but I’m just too thick to pick it up. And then, one day, it’ll blow up in my face.

Until then, prevention is often better than cure, so while the good gets going, this should be the best time to practise and fix whatever I know I can fix – the laziness, the anger, the jealousies, the ego-trips, the impatience and judgements.... Then at least, if and when the shit does hit the fan, at least I’d have already lined the floor with tarpaulin.