Resolving conflict

I've been having problems with a housemate. Mostly, I just want to scratch his car or sit him down in a corner and scream at him until my face turns a Yamantaka blue. He has been infuriating and exasperating beyond belief: not taking care of his dogs, not paying back the large sums of money he owes me, making me chase him every month for rent, not contributing in any way to the cleaning of the house. If there is such a thing as hate, this is as close I have gotten to it in a very, very long time.


I am conflicted, mostly, because I know I shouldn't feel like this. The teachings speak of spaciousness, openness and the rare opportunities we have to really put our patience and compassion into action, into real practice. Spirituality is being nice to people who are not to you.

Rinpoche knows all about the conflict of course, since waaay back, almost 4 months ago. He is patient and indulges my complaints. He prompts me for new news about the housemate, shares in the salacious little details I impart, pats me on the back and tells me it'll be okay. I love it - when I'm pissed off with someone, all I want to do is tell the whole world just how difficult they're being, give examples, highlight every little tic that gets on my nerves, recount every conversation in sickeningly accurate details - for all this, I have amazing awareness and memory.

Rinpoche indulges my fancy for bitching.... although now I realise it is not ever about the content of what I'm telling him, but about the way I am talking to him about all this.

Over dinner the other day, he asked me for updates about the house situation. The housemate was supposed to be moving out in mid-March but things were unclear because he had said he didn't have the money for moving. So, over the delicious buffet, I spilled all the beans I had - which was almost as delicious an experience as the caeser salad I was eating.

I felt guilty about it, as I always do right at the back of the inner chambers of my conscience, but I explained it away by telling myself that all I was doing was answering Rinpoche's questions, and in a very calm, collected way too! I was trying, as far as possible, not to embellish my answers, but I think the glee I had in "reporting" was embellishment enough.

Rinpoche eventually stepped in to solve the situation - shameful, considering you hung out all your dirty laundry for your Lama to see, and then expect him to take it down and sort through it all. Rinpoche was offering to pay for the housemate's deposit on his new place, which would solve the situation both for the housemate (who wanted to move out) and the rest of us (who had been having so much difficulty living with him).

At that point, he said, "Well, you know he's already going through so much suffering, let's not add to it and we can't solve everything for him, but at least let's see where we can help."

I felt small as the bacon bits in the salad and my stomach felt totally dry. The lesson was not being taught in any sort of teaching, or talk; it was being taught through Rinpoche's own action of kindness, extending help to the housemate.

I thanked him for his help, and also apologised that he had to step in to sort this out.

He said, "Oh it's a pleasure. I like to help where I can. It's not a problem for me to help, but let this experience help you learn, so that the next time you have to handle something like this, you can do it with more patience, and understanding where the other person comes from. Then you can help them."

All my bitching, my gossiping, my completely and total relishing of relating tales had culminated in this: what it actually takes to solve a situation. Rinpoche never told me off; he actually even pointed out that all of the happiness the housemate was experiencing had been brought on by himself. But that wasn't the point - the point was, what do we do now? And how can we fix the situation?

Rinpoche "makes" us bitch. He "encourages" us with his questions and prompts, appears to join in the fun of gossiping by laughing along, giving his own commentaries and listening attentively to all you say.

And it's always so much fun to indulge and indulge and indulge in every little detail, isn't it? Especially when it seems that even the Buddhas are enjoying, and authorising, it!

But the point of bitching with Vajradhara is not about bitching. It is to exhaust every possible angle on the situation and then to ask ourselves, "So what can we do about it?" "How can we fix it?"

And then you work on bringing light to the person, or situation, and doing it with joy.

See, even bitching can be transformed, and Rinpoche works with even the biggest gossip queens to find a solution - both for them, and the people they gossip about.